In the weeks before this past Christmas 2009 I seemed to be in a life review internally, seeing from the perspective of my current age and experience things I could only wish to somehow be able to do over. For example my youngest daughter went through her adolescent years with me utterly wrecked by the heartbreak of the ending of my marriage. I developed PTSD and was having anxiety attacks after some shocks that were devastating psychological blows. No child deserves to have to live with a mother who is in this condition, and especially not this child. I can’t get those years back with her to enjoy them differently, and I grieve that.
Stages of life are fleeting and we are often so ill-prepared to appreciate and fulfill the potentials of them. During these weeks of thinking things through a question kept occurring to me: is redemption possible? Can what seems to have been irrevocably lost like that be redeemed? The things we didn’t do well, lost opportunities, situations we screwed up by handling them badly, the could-have, would-have, should-haves… can somehow the lost energy, grace and wisdom of those times return to us? Or is it all lost forever, and an attitude of serene acceptance with determination to move on is the best way to handle the realizations. Or, is redemption possible?
These were my musings. Organically my thoughts kept wandering through the reviews, and then bringing me back to the same question. Occasionally a little tickle of energy in my belly seemed to say “yes!” I would made note of it. Thoughts would circle around, and now and then I felt a little tickle of “yes”. A still, small voice, as they say, was speaking.
But last night as I was just walking through my house, seemingly out of nowhere a huge “YES!!!” filled my head, arriving with so much energy. A vision occurred of a big brass bowl of oil which suddenly ignited on fire. The vision seemed to say that in one single moment, everything can be turned to gold. The scene was of pure golden light and fire. All of our mistakes and failures and seemingly lost moments are not lost, but are like drops of oil in a bowl. At some unexpected moment, not because of anything in particular that we do or deserve, only because of continued living and trying, and because of the elegance of the universe itself, all of that energy ignites and everything is redeemed. It IS possible.
I accept this answer to my question. I will keep musing, but I am grateful for this vision.