I started writing this blog on January 15, a New Moon, eclipse day, as an exercise to get my writing juices flowing and to connect with the world outside of my hermit’s cave. I committed to writing every day for 40 days. Tomorrow is the 40th day. This causes all sorts of reflections and issues to arise for me in considering what the nature of my committment will be going forward. I have been trying to create a discipline for finishing my book for all of the years I have been living here in the mountains. Why have I made no progress with that, yet this seems to be working? The blog feels more immediate, less daunting I suppose. But now that the 40 days are nearly over, I wonder: would it be better if I switch the committment to the book writing, and would I actually succeed at making the transfer? Or would it be better if I continue this committment since apparently I am having my first success at following through on anything related to writing in all these years, and hope that will energize me to spend more time finishing my book? This is my present dilemma.

I wish that I understood what a healthy relationship to discipline would be for me. Some people are so good at it. I seem to want to wait for the thing to “spring clear without my contriving” as Rilke says. “May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” I don’t want to have to muscle myself into the writing. Part of the difficulty is that I lived a very disciplined life until about 10 years ago, but when things fell apart an inner rebel sprang forth from her cage and is very sensitive to ever feeling “oppressed” again. She creates all manner of havoc with nearly every effort I make to create a discipline. She’s a child of Dionysus, stubborn and unruly. As soon as I try to force her in any way, she reenstates her power. Other parts of me haven’t learned to stand up to her yet. These 40 days have been an attempt to manage the relationship and forge an alliance. I’ll be interested to see how we work it out going forward. Prayers will be welcome.